Helping Tweens to Behave

Tweens hover precariously on the cusp of their teen years, with one foot still in childhood. Once middle school begins, things seem to change. Has your cuddly love bug son suddenly made it clear that when you drive him to school, you are not to call out as he swaggers toward the building nodding to friends along the way?

Try not to be too offended. He’s growing his “cool” and venturing forth from the nurturing nest of childhood.

Kids at this age begin to try on new identities in a clique-defined social stratum that tests their mettle and wreaks havoc with their self-esteem. Don’t be surprised if your sweethearts try lying and swearing on for size as they navigate these middle years.

When parental expectations clash with popularity, something has to give. The following guidance is for parents of tweens who are “feeling their oats.” Establishing ground rules and an atmosphere of trust is crucial at this point, and will go a long way toward maintaining communication through high school and beyond.

Set Boundaries

What is a parent to do when a tween says, “But mom, all the other kids are going?” First, your child needs to know certain things up front, like, if parents won’t be home, they’re not going, no matter what. There are non-negotiable rules, and it’s up to you to enforce them. Call parents and make sure they’re going to be home, before you drop your child off at the home of a new friend.

Alternatively, meet parents at the door when you drop your child off. It’s better to risk embarrassing your child, than to have him hurt. Chances are, all of the other kids are not going, and neither is yours.

Be the Gathering Place

Make your home the kid-friendliest home on the block, and you’ll get to know your children’s friends. They’ll call you Mr./Mrs. and you’ll develop a respectful relationship. Take an interest in their activities, provide snacks and drive them home.

Go the extra mile to help your tween to establish long-lasting friendships. While it’s not necessary to socialize with the parents of all of your children’s friends, it is wise to know them by name and to chat at least occasionally.

Provide an Earned Allowance

Sit down with your tween and discuss an allowance. Clearly state your expectations for behavior and chores for which your tween will be responsible.

Decide what portions of the allowance will be for fun spending and for saving, and inform your child that if your expectations aren’t met, the allowance may be withheld.

What Did You Say?

Tweens will try using foul language to get a rise out of their parents, and to impress their friends. Nip this one in the bud with a swear jar. Each time you hear nasty talk, have your child put a portion of his allowance into a designated jar. Donate the money to charity.

Tweens go through a range of emotions during the course of a day, and they are bound to imitate expletives they hear on the street, and at home, so watch your own language!

Model calm ways to deal with frustration and anger, and your tween will know you expect this of him, as well.

Tell Me the Truth

Lying is another unfortunate behavior that often begins in the challenging middle years. Generally, children still want to please their parents, but also want to be accepted by new friends. They may lie to parents and to friends, in an effort to be all things to all people.

Lying can become a habit, so if you become aware of it, meet it head on. Let your child know that as he grows up, he will need to develop a strong character and be truthful to the people that are important to him. Otherwise, no one will believe him or trust him.

Model truthfulness by keeping promises and commitments, and help your children to do the same. Encourage kids to tell the truth by being approachable, loving and reasonable.

Predictable Consequences

As children grow older, privileges expand and limits are tested. With my first child, situations arose for which I hadn’t yet made up rules. I learned as I went along, and it was easier when the majority of rules were in place for my second. What’s most important is that you address each episode of misbehavior with patience and calm.

Tell your child that you will talk to him when you have had a chance to think. Sit down together and discuss the lying, cheating, fighting, or whatever the case may be. Set a standard of behavior and decide on an appropriate withdrawal of privileges to discourage a repeat performance.

Be sure to let the child know that his actions were a poor choice, but that he is a good person. Discuss consequences that will go into effect if the behavior is repeated.

I can tell you truly that the tween years have been some of the toughest in our house. On many occasions, we all ended up in tears. Be straightforward with your kids. This is a learning experience for everyone.